"To Nate. To my first born. To daddy. To Nate."

Everything.
Everywhere.
Ends.
I don't think anyone will necessarily understand why I cried for a half an hour tonight, but I did. If my mom hadn't told me we were gonna go deposit my paycheck after the show was over, I think I would've taken longer to get over it.

The episode was beautiful and amazing and heartbreaking and funny, but most of all it was a labor of love. Written and Directed by Alan Ball, it was just...so full. That's the best way I know to describe it. It was the road to healing.

Also, I was right about everything and I get to tell Milo, I told him so!

I just...life...there are moments. It's been full of a lot of pain and depression for me, but there are moments.

Alan Ball wrote my life in Claire. I was....I am....so scared right now. About art. Can I make it? Does my fear mean that I'm not cut out for it? But he's right. You need to go. You can't take a snapshot of the comfortable life you have right now and hold onto it.

Every time I think about this episode--this amazing show that has touched me deeper than maybe anything ever--I just...it takes my breath away. It really just takes my breath away. I can't have this moment back. I'll never have a new episode of Six Feet Under, and it hurts. I'm scared that nothing else will ever get that deeply inside my heart--that nothing better will come along.

I also blurted out a lot of brutally honest stuff to my mom about how she's been treating me, and why I can't do some of the things she thinks should be easy for me. Why I can't just go sit with my grandma. That woman expects something of me. She's practically a stranger to me, and she expects me to be able to talk to her. When I don't talk, I hurt her. So I don't go. Simple as that. Other people who can occupy her time should go.

I tried to tell my mom off about calling me selfish and comparing me to my brother. She tried to negate my personal anxieties when I compared them to my brother's depression in high school. She said it was different because he had to deal with racism. I said it isn't any easier when there's no outside force to blame...then you just feel like you're defective. I haven't done anything really, truly wrong by her. I am incredibly well-behaved. I try to be involved in her life and feelings. She knows I've been an easy child, and it's really not fair of her to say "I feel like I did a diservice to you and your brother because I never meant for you two to be so self-centered and selfish sometimes. Did I spoil you?" She still doesn't understand that when she says that, she's saying we turned out wrong and not how she planned. She still doesn't understand that when she compares me to my brother who has done a lot of wrong by this family by not being a part of it, that really fucking hurts. She doesn't see it as doing that, even when that's exactly what she's saying.

But now she knows a little bit more of what I have been dealing with on my own while she projects all of her issues onto me.

I've had a very busy and emotional night. *sigh*

Good-bye, Six Feet Under, and thank you.